Here is what mum would say

Dear Ellie & Ari, 
Here are quotes from me to you, my children,
For when you get tired, 
For when get lonely, 
For when your minds refuse to function, 
For when you are doubtful about the meaning of it all,
For when you need me ...
I'll always be there. 

It takes a while.
It requires lots of patience.
The body gets tired.
The mind gets tired.
But you keep showing up and doing your part.
That’s how change comes.
It’s a slow but steady process, with a smile at the end.

Sit in the confusion like you would a bad season, or when attempting to write but the lede just won’t pop.
Sit there over and over until something pops.
Sitting in itself is confronting the confusion.

Just chill;
Take a break from diet, exercise, Wi-Fi, ‘being proper’ and all that other ‘noise’ for a few hours every week.

When you open up about your struggles, people open up to you because they feel you are strong enough to help them. Don’t turn them away.

You are not weak.
You are not cowardly.
You are not the odd one out.
You can help me just like I can help you.
There is something in this world that only you can do.

It looks like unhealthy weight loss, little or no self care, clutter, loss of interest in life, outbursts, alcoholism, loneliness and sadness.
Cries for help, so hold a hand as much as possible, give other kinds of support and be patient.

‘Leave me alone’ is code for ‘show me I am not a burden’.
They want to be okay but they need plenty of encouragement.
They count on you, even when they don’t show that they do.

Patience.
Difficult patience.
Because some of those you want to help will clearly tell you to leave them alone.
And you just won’t get it.

It takes some people years to talk about a traumatic experience.
So when they open up, listen. With patience. Without judgment. Because healing is on the way.

Fear God enough to respect him, love him enough to obey him.
This is key to resisting temptations.
*Keep trying

I think it’s okay to take a day sometimes, and just feel what you feel. Maybe even ask for help. From God and people. I don’t know.

A large part of forgiveness is empathy, because it does not make sense to let go of what was terrible and give somebody yet another chance.
Purple heart of God, basically. So forgive, because it means you are very special.

What have I learned from growing up in a single-parent home?
Loving difficult people, loving in tough seasons, forgiveness, selflessness, what life is like with low self-esteem and a perceived lack of love, and why I must help those who feel this way.

I think some people are stronger and more intuitive for a reason.
Be there when you feel you should be.

When the reactions they once caused you aren’t there anymore …
I think that’s when you know the pain is gone.
It doesn’t mean you hate them or can’t stand them … just that they become pale, powerless or something.

Eventually you understand how you felt and how you made others feel during conflict.
Then you forgive or ask for forgiveness and choose the way forward.

I still pray about it. It’s been a year since he ripped my heart out and then ignored my existence.
I see him at work everyday. He seems happy.
I also pray for him. I’m not sure why. I just do.

You eventually feel comfortable talking about him or her and actually wish them the best. And the concern is so genuine that it amazes you.

Working through conflicts instead of running away/ cutting people off.
Cheering each other on even when seemingly in competition.
Showing up no matter what.

At some point you get over abandonment issues and stop striving for the attention of those you thought you needed to merely get by.
You take a deep breath and say: “I am healed!”

Recognising the end of relationships is not a sign of being cold. It is a sign of freedom.

Abandonment issues make you want people to stay with you,
So much so that you carry every burden and try to solve every problem to keep them interested.
Do you know what drives you?
Do you know what you need to do to bounce back when you are down?
Do you know yourself?
What do you want out of life?
Are you going after it?

Self-control is …
Saying ‘no’ to someone or something, despite having full access, because the outcome of having that someone or something is worse than your present, seemingly undesirable state.

Happiness is … Elevation of the mind to the point of seeing beyond what is usually a bother.
I think that is the state of full understanding of one’s uniqueness and where any type of goal is achievable.

You keep trying and starting over.
Every day is a chance at a do-over.
I’m a firm believer in do-overs.

What keeps people from making or repeating mistakes?
Instinct.
But the first time there’s a nudge in a particular direction, it is so gentle that it slips the mind seconds later.
You only remember it after the mistake.

To you it’s too small a house and too dead a town, but to me they are doses of humility and the places where I learned every good thing.

In the end, the refinement and lessons learned from tough experiences outshine the pain you thought you would never overcome.